The Saga Continues

Calvin Sears, age 14

Washtenaw International High School

Okay, so I like this girl. Her name is [redacted]. So I’m all like, “Dang [redacted] so fine, but she probably won’t notice me” every day of my life, just being an awkward pimply teenager as usual. I swear, if I wasn’t thinking about [redacted] twenty-four seven, I was probably thinking about food, but still.

So anyway, I’m at this hair salon, which is called *Censored* Cuts. So, I’m at *Censored* Cuts texting my good pally <<404>> about [redacted] situation, and who “ships” us or whatever. I’m sitting in a leather chair gushing sweat like Niagra Falls, heart beating so fast it might get a speeding ticket and a $500 fine, and I’m just debating with myself about whether or not I should confess my feels to [redacted]. Luckily <<404>> and [redacted] were at school still with a few of my other friends, so it wouldn’t be so awkward. Probably. I was clammier than a seafood place, white-knuckles clenching my phone and finally pouring my feelings out at my keyboard like a glass of water hoping the texting [redacted] would make me feel better.

BOY WAS I WRONG! Not like I got rejected or anything, more like everybody, myself included was flipping OUT. Suddenly, I was being swamped with texts and calls from <<404>> and his brother—error—even WHILE I WAS ON THE TOILET. So, I’m sitting on the toilet and <<404>> is all like being mysterious and not responding and every now and then she’ll be all “her phone died broseph” or send a word of encouragement while—error—is just textin’ and callin’ like crazy about everything and WOW OH MY GOD WAS I TERRIFIED. And when I did finally get an answer back from [redacted], she was just as awkward as me, all vague and all. But, finally I did run into her and her two friends jumped on me like guard dogs and scoped me out like a freakin’ telescope fan club. It was terrifying to be sure. Anyway, I’m out of time but this was all about a week ago so THE SAGA CONTINUES.

Step on a Cashew

Calvin Sears, age 13
Washtenaw International High School

Step on a cashew. Now it’s dead. Why? Why did you do it? Why did you step on that cashew, Bill? That was Christopher P. Cashew, the most famous cashew in the business. His lawyers are going to sue the pants off of you, Bill. Bill? Where are you going? And why are you taking Christopher’s corpse with you? Don’t you know that you’re tampering with a crime scene? BILL! Get back here right now. Look at me, Bill. I’ve been married to you for twelve years, and you’ve been stepping on famous food items left and right. Gary Grape? Adam Apple? Marla Mango? You plopped down your big, fat, size sixteen shoes on all of them. You’re sick, Bill. You’re sick. I can’t continue to live this life with a murderer. I’m calling 911. Bill? What are you doing? Why are you raising your foot? Bill, no. Think about what you’re doing! Bill! Put your foot down! This isn’t funny, Bill! Bill? BIIIIIIIIIILL!!!

My “Success” Story

Calvin Sears, Age 13
Fortis Academy


Michigonia is in ruin. The Hue Ron River has dried up, and all the people who live here are feeling the heat. Literally. Our resident wizard Reynaldo up and left, so it’s up to me to find out where this noodlehead went.

I decide to turn left down the dry riverbank. As I make my way, clad in armor and carrying whatever junk Reynaldo left behind, I kill a grey sheep for giving me a dirty look. I clean up the wooly mess and arrive at a desert temple, which actually happens to be Reynaldo’s house. He left a note:

“Went to go find out about the water” --R

I venture about his humble… prayer temple, stealing goods and killing sheep, when I see a ladder leading downwards to a dark and ominous room. Normally, I don’t trust ladders, as I was once friends with a ladder who was a wild gossip. But, I climb down and I see a strange portal, the kind you hear about in legends or myths or hallucinations. Once I enter, I venture across a sandstone-and-glass path Reynaldo crafted, and it’s ONE BLOCK WIDE. It’s also hovering over a lake of boiling lava. Thanks, Ray.

A ghost floats out from the lava. I attempt to communicate by sign language, even though I can only make squares. It shoots a nasty fireball at me, the path explodes, and I die. I decide to nickname him Reynaldo.

I re-enter the portal a second time, and Reynaldo kills me once more. We probably have a blood feud going back millennia. Or not.

I try a third time, and face death by Reynaldo. Again.

Fourth time, a zombie pigman kills me. His name shall be Reynaldo.

Fifth time, I fall in lava. This lava lake will be called Lake Aldo.

I found a ladder in the Netherworld and climbed it, finding a chest containing two glowing books, called “HAH HAH” and “DANGER.” I learn, through my reading, that a man called winter-- or, a demigod, rather-- stole Reynaldo’s magic equipment and scattered it around. Thanks a lot.

I also find a thing called “Essence of Blueness.” Perhaps Saleswoman Victoria sells it at the knick-knack stand.

I fall in lava twice.

I decide to use the Essence of Blueness and now I find myself mildly depressed and craving a Chipotle lunch. One question I have: What is Chipotle?

After my depression subsides, I decide to hunt for the Essences of Moisture and Coldness, which I know now are needed, along with the Essence of Blueness, in order to get the river to come back to our land.

I try to burn up monsters with the Wood of Lava, but I have learned that magic fails its user in the Dark World of the Nether. As I creep into Reynaldo’s hut to access the portal once more, I notice a skeleton shooting at me from afar. Paranoid that someone sent him after me, I duck into his hut and ran into the portal. I take charge of my surroundings and 

Reynaldo the Pigman into Lake Aldo and run for my life.

Still panicked by the skeleton attack, I run as quickly as I can, finding chests along the way. Contained inside were the Essences of Coldness and Moisture. Overjoyed by my findings, I use my favorite spell, Domus Dolcis Domus, to teleport to my home.

I activate all the Essences I found, and become insensitive to suffering and ready for high-altitude baking. I activate the Wellspring Wand and begin returning water to the riverbank, washing away sediments and discovering golden ore, which shall help our village prosper for eons to come.

Squids decide to freeload in our river, but I make short work of them with my fabulous archery skills.

All was well in our kingdom except one thing… Where is Reynaldo?*

*the wizard, not the ghost

~FIN!

Jalapeno + Love (lightning write!)

Calvin Sears, 13

Fortis Academy

I love jalapenos. No, seriously. Stop laughing. I buy them weekly from my local grocery store, and I take them out for dinner, and to the movies, and stuff. Then, a day before I have to buy new ones, I chop them up and plot them into a delicious salsa dip and have a funeral for them. I have a lot of sad salsa funerals.

My neighbors think I’m a nut job, but I’m not. I’m a pepper job. They don’t know what it’s like to swoon at the sight of a serrano or pucker up to a poblano.

But the real love of my life is a batch of fresh, organic jalapenos. Why? Because they’re spicy. They’re rebellious. They don’t play by your rules. If you doublecross a jalapeno, you get the seeds.

They’re also just really cool peppers. That ñ is off the chain. FIN.

Just kidding. It’s not over yet. Calvin can’t stop his pen, so I’ll profess my love to the jalapeno some more.

Why do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

• spicyness
• green-ness
• etc.