Calvin Sears, age 13
Washtenaw International High School
Step on a cashew. Now it’s dead. Why? Why did you do it? Why did you step on that cashew, Bill? That was Christopher P. Cashew, the most famous cashew in the business. His lawyers are going to sue the pants off of you, Bill. Bill? Where are you going? And why are you taking Christopher’s corpse with you? Don’t you know that you’re tampering with a crime scene? BILL! Get back here right now. Look at me, Bill. I’ve been married to you for twelve years, and you’ve been stepping on famous food items left and right. Gary Grape? Adam Apple? Marla Mango? You plopped down your big, fat, size sixteen shoes on all of them. You’re sick, Bill. You’re sick. I can’t continue to live this life with a murderer. I’m calling 911. Bill? What are you doing? Why are you raising your foot? Bill, no. Think about what you’re doing! Bill! Put your foot down! This isn’t funny, Bill! Bill? BIIIIIIIIIILL!!!
